White T-shirt situation

Everyone in my family is aware that I love white t-shirts. Since high school, having an affinity towards the simplicity of white t-shirts, has been my thing. Boat necked, long-sleeved, short-sleeved, v-neck, scoop-neck, high-neck, flowy, more form-fitting, undershirt, layered shirt…any white t-shirt pretty much makes my happy lights glow. Imagine my utter delight, when I was teaching in Switzerland one summer, upon finding another human person who also shared my affinity for the white t-shirt. I was 18 at the time and had flown across the pond to teach “outdoor recreation” to a bunch of boarding school children from all over the globe alongside other teachers, 10 years my senior, whom escaped to Europe during the summers to travel to all the countries cheaply, learn bits of different languages from tiny children and return to the States to talk about teaching in Europe during their summers. Enter co-worker Chris. (so many Chris’s in my life. Currently…there are four Chris’s in my life…I have a Chris situation) Chris was from California, had these blue-blue eyes that are the clear wolf type blue eyes…so so blue. Like bits of the sea surrounding Greece dropped into his eyes. And he wore the same exact thing EVERY day. A “hanes-her-way” white t-shirt, khaki cargo shorts and hiking boots. He was the original minimalist. He packed 7 shirts…for the whole summer. I was inspired, amazed…I wanted to be just like that when I grew up. When I returned back to the states…I donned my new found gay apparel of hanes white t-shirts, khaki non cargo shorts and my hiking boots and walked all over college beaming…much to the horror of my sorority sisters. I was perhaps, the worst sorority member of all the history of sorority people. I hated parties, big groups of people judging one another on appearances, I was a new Christian…totally excited and unabashedlely talking about my new faith with anyone who would sit next to me. They didn’t know what to do with this white t-shirt, Jesus loving person…so they put me on standards committee (the committee that slapped the hand of the “over-served” girls at parties on the weekends…or weekdays, or whenever and read them their rights). I’m positive they were relieved when I took a year break my Junior year of college to start an inner-city ministry…and never returned because my Senior year of college I got married. I digress…. Well…everyone in my family also knows that I’m a magnet for any stains on said collection of white t-shirts. Especially the chocolate stains in the beginning days of t-shirt wearing. How about a napkin? Or an apron? Or try eating over the plate? Maybe just wear a birthday suit instead? I did try to get stains out. Shout stick, spray n’ wash…straight up bleach were no match for my chocolate stains. (enter CK LOUIS girl impression) “If you would pour some club soda on it…” Nope…club soda just laughed in my face as it fizzed all over my chocolate stains. Enter my alcohol drinking days and chocolate stains gave way to the dreaded red wine stains…the ever so slight purple leftovers of my oopsies from the previous night’s relaxation. The cuff of my long sleeves would have little purple smudges from where I would wipe my mouth to hide the purple mustache…you know what I’m talking about? Or, my cute cotton white flowy nightgown that had the purple amoeba down the front from where I had oopsied from slipping to sleep whilst holding my wine glass on my belly. All the whites were stained. And all the remedies didn’t work. But…I’ve FOUND a remedy. The ultimate and fool-proof remedy! It works every single time. I currently have five white shirts hanging in my closet that I’ve managed to keep whitest of whites. For an entire summer, unheard of. Unblemished, untainted. I have found the secret. First…as SOON as I get home from wherever I’ve been in my white shirt…I totally do a “Mr. Rodgers” and take that shirt off and hang it up in the closet. But the surest of all ways to keep my shirts from the dreaded purple wine stains has been…I don’t drink alcohol anymore! I will never, ever have to fear the dreaded wine stain. I will never, ever have to worry that I will have an oopsie and spill wine down my front or have wine on my mouth, leaving the cuffs of my sleeves purpley. I can wipe my mouth and my sparkling water won’t leave a stain. And…I’ve also learned that I CAN use a napkin to keep the chocolate ice cream from getting it’s way at my white shirt…OR better yet…just wear a grey shirt.